Drama

Drama followed me after a perhaps over-acerbic letter to those unfriended.

The unfriended were upset. Instead of choosing to talk to me directly, they went to the very people who destroyed me. They did it at work. They did it over email. So the destroyers contacted me and accused me of blaming them, of dragging them down. I was told I was unmindful. That I didn't choose my words carefully. That it could get back to work and ruin everything. That I brought this to the workplace and was dragging people through mud.

I did no such things. If I had, I would have spray painted the windows. I would have stood outside with signs. I would have called people and specifically targeted those who knew. But I haven't. No, I unfriended people who have pretended to be my friends, not talking to me in many months. Not reaching out to see if I'm okay. People who in the beginning, did try to help. They are the casualties of this destruction. And I know it isn't fair. But due to the work situations, I felt it best for me to no longer associate with anyone there - so as to LESSEN the damage. Instead, I have people over-reacting and blaming me for larger destruction.

It was not my intention for anyone else to be brought into a private relationship. That they did bring others in, only proves to me they are not people I need in my life. They didn't have my back and right now, I need people that do. No, they knew about parts of the failure of my marriage long before I did. And by not telling me, I feel disrespected.

Am I right? I don't know. I certainly didn't mean to cause drama. I simply meant to end a faux friendship. That they are screaming at me and shining light on the situation is them generating the drama. I am very much guilty of spending far too much time and energy on people who are not my friends, and while good to my kids, have been shit to me.

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Cut to the bone

The pain hurts. My chest is on fire. Motion from my abdomen moves upwards, but stops in my chest. Nothing moves from chest to throat. Throat is tight, closed on its own. No movement from there either. Breathing is so shallow, I begin to get dizzy.

So strong a day ago, an hour ago.

He didn't dominate my conversation for once. At dinner I was simply me. And then, I went looking. And I found what I was looking for.

A photo. Of the two of them. Confirmation of a long-suspected cheat. Does it count since he doesn't live here anymore? It does to me. Its dishonest to not admit it. He brushes her under the rug when he talks to me.

I can feel them laughing behind my back.

I have lost friends because of this. Friendships I ended because they knew. They knew and didn't tell me. Wouldn't tell me. Even when I asked. I thought I could trust them.

I can feel them laughing behind my back.

I can see why people cut themselves. To have the skin pop open and release the tension...it all makes perfect sense to me now. I seethe with pain. I will fight him at every step to get what I want. No one replaces my position in the family before the eyes of MY children. Usurped? A woman scorned. I can kill with a look. He will pay for this transgression over lifetimes.

I can see them laughing behind my back.

I need a new sounding board.

I love my friends. They are so supportive and generous and caring. But they are all married or in long-term, attached relationships. I, in a newly single position, have no sounding board.

Indeed, I found myself talking with my soon-to-be-ex about a situation that effected us both (because it came through a kid-situation). He shouldn't be my sounding board anymore, but I had no one else to turn to in order to discuss a personal issue.

Crap, I need a man in my life.