Drama

Drama followed me after a perhaps over-acerbic letter to those unfriended.

The unfriended were upset. Instead of choosing to talk to me directly, they went to the very people who destroyed me. They did it at work. They did it over email. So the destroyers contacted me and accused me of blaming them, of dragging them down. I was told I was unmindful. That I didn't choose my words carefully. That it could get back to work and ruin everything. That I brought this to the workplace and was dragging people through mud.

I did no such things. If I had, I would have spray painted the windows. I would have stood outside with signs. I would have called people and specifically targeted those who knew. But I haven't. No, I unfriended people who have pretended to be my friends, not talking to me in many months. Not reaching out to see if I'm okay. People who in the beginning, did try to help. They are the casualties of this destruction. And I know it isn't fair. But due to the work situations, I felt it best for me to no longer associate with anyone there - so as to LESSEN the damage. Instead, I have people over-reacting and blaming me for larger destruction.

It was not my intention for anyone else to be brought into a private relationship. That they did bring others in, only proves to me they are not people I need in my life. They didn't have my back and right now, I need people that do. No, they knew about parts of the failure of my marriage long before I did. And by not telling me, I feel disrespected.

Am I right? I don't know. I certainly didn't mean to cause drama. I simply meant to end a faux friendship. That they are screaming at me and shining light on the situation is them generating the drama. I am very much guilty of spending far too much time and energy on people who are not my friends, and while good to my kids, have been shit to me.

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Cut to the bone

The pain hurts. My chest is on fire. Motion from my abdomen moves upwards, but stops in my chest. Nothing moves from chest to throat. Throat is tight, closed on its own. No movement from there either. Breathing is so shallow, I begin to get dizzy.

So strong a day ago, an hour ago.

He didn't dominate my conversation for once. At dinner I was simply me. And then, I went looking. And I found what I was looking for.

A photo. Of the two of them. Confirmation of a long-suspected cheat. Does it count since he doesn't live here anymore? It does to me. Its dishonest to not admit it. He brushes her under the rug when he talks to me.

I can feel them laughing behind my back.

I have lost friends because of this. Friendships I ended because they knew. They knew and didn't tell me. Wouldn't tell me. Even when I asked. I thought I could trust them.

I can feel them laughing behind my back.

I can see why people cut themselves. To have the skin pop open and release the tension...it all makes perfect sense to me now. I seethe with pain. I will fight him at every step to get what I want. No one replaces my position in the family before the eyes of MY children. Usurped? A woman scorned. I can kill with a look. He will pay for this transgression over lifetimes.

I can see them laughing behind my back.

I need a new sounding board.

I love my friends. They are so supportive and generous and caring. But they are all married or in long-term, attached relationships. I, in a newly single position, have no sounding board.

Indeed, I found myself talking with my soon-to-be-ex about a situation that effected us both (because it came through a kid-situation). He shouldn't be my sounding board anymore, but I had no one else to turn to in order to discuss a personal issue.

Crap, I need a man in my life.

Can't keep it in!

I cannot take it anymore! I am so damned fed up and angry with how people treat each other. It is not okay to be so selfish that you hurt others. You don't get to be an ass, not even if people were mean to you earlier in your life! As an adult, it is up to me to be better than those who came before me and to be better than I was yesterday. Its called GROWING. We learn from mistakes. We don't have to dwell on every little thing that makes us angry or frustrated. Let it out, say something, then MOVE. ON.

Also, don't choose sides when people break up. Support them. Love them both. They are both hurting and need support from everyone around them. They need to hear why your best friend just treated them like crap. You know something? Tell it to the one who needs the answer. No one is a complete victim and no one is completely to blame. No matter what the injured parties tell you - it takes two to work and two to mess it all up.

Spiritual Divorce By Ford, Debbie (Google Affiliate Ad)

Urban Farm Handbook Challenge

Fagor Duo 9-Pc. Canning Set (Google Affiliate Ad)Stainless Steel Canning Stockpot (Google Affiliate Ad)BLiS Bourbon Barrel Matured Pure Maple Syrup (Google Affiliate Ad)
All right, so this challenge started in January, and now its November, but I'm jumping on the bandwagon anyway. I figure that if you want to see changes in the new year, that resolutions are a waste of time. Start them before you need them or call them out. So I'm starting now. :)

November has been a trying month and I feel like I keep getting further away from my garden goals. By working with the Challenge, I hope to find myself taking stock of what's really going on in my food life and thus my garden/urban farmlette by extension.

The first challenge of this month was to learn about gmo foods. There are a couple of ways that foods can be modified...did you know that ALL organic wheat is modified? Yeah, me neither.

The second challenge is to replace staple that you frequently buy in ready made form and replace it with one that you make at home. Good challenge! I don't buy a lot of ready-made staples (pancake mix eg) as it is anymore, but I'm sure I can replace something. I am awfully fond of those sugary, fancy pants flavored creamers. I could make my own flavored, sweetened half & half...and the challenge has been accepted. Off to make it!

Seething

there is no other word that feels right. I woke up angry and ready to battle.

Someone once asked me if I had hit the point of being so angry that I stopped eating. I didn't know if that was an actual step in the letting go process, but I haven't seen it. Tho as I am looking back over the past week I am looking back at my habits and I'll say this much: I'm only eating what I need...and not much more. I have been devastated by loss. And 18 months later I am releasing much of it and moving on finally. The releases are good good good, but fucking painful and worth every step on the journeys path. I can finally see that the emotions letting loose aren't crying from sadness and devastation of being a victim (tho there are moments of that still) but the crying and anger are a purge. Every pore oozes the pain and the pent up frustrations. Every cell is on fire with change and transformation. Metamorphosis of my being. No cockroaches needed.

a death in family reminds me of a recent former life

So many years ago, when I went to college, I had a crew. My mates and I were united by many things - The Doors, the Grateful Dead, black lights, and all the things associated with these treasures. We played video games and were trying to grow up as best we could while studying or working. We did some things that I'm not particularly proud of, and at times I do wonder if my sins of this past aren't what haunt me today. But my mates were tight.

My pals were all guys. They had gone to high school together (I had actually gone to jr high with some of them). My boyfriend and I met them through his work and we fit right in. Sometimes girlfriends hung out too, but not like me. I was just one of the guys. Which was fine with me. I liked having all of these big brothers/friends. I felt safe.

And in the big world that we live in, which is in fact really small, my life has taken me far away from home and to a new city which I love. Over the years we lost touch and through the magic we call Facebook, I have reconnected with my crew. And I am ever so grateful. But I have missed out on a friend's pain and for that I am saddened.

This morning his mom passed away.

She mostly existed in anecdote. Tales my friend would tell of the woman who made his life better, worse, indifferent. But she loved him and that's more than anyone can ask for. She made my friend and his sister. And they are pretty remarkable people today, from what I can tell - I don't see them anymore and haven't in many years. But I watch their children grow via the internet and I am glad that they have found spouses and made babies. They are successful in their careers and have hopefully found a permanent happiness for a while. Some good years in the life of ups and downs.

So I raise a toast to his Mom and the spark of memory. I would not be who I am today without this friend. And that means that I would not be who I am today without her. Thanks Gayle. I hope your pain is gone and you can enjoy the kids from a new perspective.

a life once lived

I saw an energy healer a few weeks ago, my first time with her (a friend) but not my first Reiki session. As usual, my heart chakra felt like an iron plate was in front of it. I cried for most of the session. Letting loose and unpeeling lifetimes of hurt, not just hurt from this life. 

She mentioned to me the images that came to her. That I was surrounded by 5 souls who had promised to always be with me, to help me. They had been disciples of mine - I had been a healer. I had been their teacher. She saw them surrounding me on my death bed in a former life, promising to stay by my side then as I transitioned out of that life and always. 

I cried at that. 

I had a vision of myself once, not that I had told her, as a healer-priestess in a Greek healing temple. But I assumed that it was just a fantasy, fueled by the books I had been reading at the time since I had been researching for my Bachelor's thesis. Surprise, I wrote about massage as a healing modality throughout medical history. I'd had this epiphany in a college physics class. We were studying electrical circuits and I realized that energy is energy - there is no difference between the scientific energy and the frou-frou energy healing energies. They are but one in the same. To seek the answers without we could easily look within, and vice versa. My readings propelled me into history to find the use of touch and reiki - not just herbs and bloodletting. Sure enough, it was all in there. 

Flash forward to today and I am rediscovering these truths in Kabbalah. That which I know from working as a massage therapist, from meditating, from reading Buddhist text and New Age gurus was known by the Kabbalists a thousand years ago or more. I forgot, I guess, that I knew these truths 20 years ago. I forgot that I knew them in my past life. So I rediscover them. 

But in this lifetime, I have been so removed from the line that my soul has traveled. And as each step is uncovered on my current path,  I am finding that I am retracing a past life. With each matched step I can feel a blast of energy - like a star lighting up in a children's tv show (You did it! You got the right answer!) Ah, but that leads to questions. 

Just because I did it in a past life, does that make it a relevant goal in this life? Maybe I need to think about other goals in this life, rather than selfishly propel myself towards a path that I seem to have already walked down. Indeed, how many times have I walked this path? Why do I keep doing it? Am I messing up or is my role in this Universe to be a healer? I am inclined to believe that I have walked the healer path a number of times, that with each iteration I do something better, but that there is something that I need to learn that I haven't learned yet. G-d I hope I learn it this time. I'd like to come back to the next life with a better memory of the past lives, so that its easy to choose the path to teach and heal earlier on. I'd be happy to keep coming back to help others learn. I've never felt that before - indeed, I thought it noble that someone would choose to come again not to learn themselves, but to teach others. (I read Mahayana Buddhist teachings 20 years ago and dismissed it as not for me. I had too much to learn.) But now, I could see it. Indeed, I'm not sure that this life wasn't a choice to do just that - to teach others what I had learned. 

So today, I woke up feeling like maybe I was being selfish to go forward with returning to school to become a new kind of healer. Thinking that perhaps my usefulness should be directed elsewhere, more inexpensively. I even posted it on Facebook. And what I got back blew me away. A comment by someone that I spent a brief few days with - someone I met on vacation. And she said to me "My money's on you. You can do it. Whatever it is." A few days with her and she walked away with that. It drops me to my knees that someone I shared a few heartfelt talks and a lot of meals with could walk away thinking this about me. I see obstacles and stumbling blocks. Other people seem to see my bowling those obstacles over. My heart tells me to return to school. That whatever the sacrifice, the tight money, the late hours studying - that my path lies here, as a healer, yet again. 

Back to the beginning

Its Autumn once again, and again I find myself wondering why I haven't done this/that. Because I sat on my ass, mourning the loss of my former life. The High Holidays have come and gone again and I can see not just the passage of time, but some healing in my heart.

So I move on. The kids are now in a lovely school and are happy little clams. They attend religious school and are making friends right and left. They are reasonably secure in their surroundings and while they too still mourn the breakdown of our family, we move on.

This Autumn I find myself reaffirming my goals and desires to have it all. I want a successful garden, not a half-assed one. I hate grocery stores and find myself participating in bulk buys direct from farmers. I do not like full store prices, though I certainly understand that they must share the costs of the electricity and floor space. I'd really rather just grow what I want. Which  means actually doing it, not sitting around thinking about it - which I must say, I am really excellent at. (I'm also really good at ending sentences with prepositions.)

So I set before me some goals for this year:

work and maintain a 4 season garden
lose weight
get healthier & exercise more
maintain a certain level of class - no gossiping for the sake of knocking someone down, no flying off in anger because I haven't read something fully
getting more involved with life in general
cleaning the yard, house, and garage out
cooking rather than buying so much junk - as in preparing our own snacks and pizza dough and having it ready to use rather than last minute "I'm starving" leading to poor choices.
setting up systems for paying bills, kids schedules, gardening, writing, learning

Somehow in all of this, I am taking 3 classes (at home), teaching 2, and trying to figure out how to earn some real money. And all of it will get tossed in the air when I *hopefully* return to school full time next fall. Keep fingers crossed.