there is no other word that feels right. I woke up angry and ready to battle.
Someone once asked me if I had hit the point of being so angry that I stopped eating. I didn't know if that was an actual step in the letting go process, but I haven't seen it. Tho as I am looking back over the past week I am looking back at my habits and I'll say this much: I'm only eating what I need...and not much more. I have been devastated by loss. And 18 months later I am releasing much of it and moving on finally. The releases are good good good, but fucking painful and worth every step on the journeys path. I can finally see that the emotions letting loose aren't crying from sadness and devastation of being a victim (tho there are moments of that still) but the crying and anger are a purge. Every pore oozes the pain and the pent up frustrations. Every cell is on fire with change and transformation. Metamorphosis of my being. No cockroaches needed.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
a death in family reminds me of a recent former life
So many years ago, when I went to college, I had a crew. My mates and I were united by many things - The Doors, the Grateful Dead, black lights, and all the things associated with these treasures. We played video games and were trying to grow up as best we could while studying or working. We did some things that I'm not particularly proud of, and at times I do wonder if my sins of this past aren't what haunt me today. But my mates were tight.
My pals were all guys. They had gone to high school together (I had actually gone to jr high with some of them). My boyfriend and I met them through his work and we fit right in. Sometimes girlfriends hung out too, but not like me. I was just one of the guys. Which was fine with me. I liked having all of these big brothers/friends. I felt safe.
And in the big world that we live in, which is in fact really small, my life has taken me far away from home and to a new city which I love. Over the years we lost touch and through the magic we call Facebook, I have reconnected with my crew. And I am ever so grateful. But I have missed out on a friend's pain and for that I am saddened.
This morning his mom passed away.
She mostly existed in anecdote. Tales my friend would tell of the woman who made his life better, worse, indifferent. But she loved him and that's more than anyone can ask for. She made my friend and his sister. And they are pretty remarkable people today, from what I can tell - I don't see them anymore and haven't in many years. But I watch their children grow via the internet and I am glad that they have found spouses and made babies. They are successful in their careers and have hopefully found a permanent happiness for a while. Some good years in the life of ups and downs.
So I raise a toast to his Mom and the spark of memory. I would not be who I am today without this friend. And that means that I would not be who I am today without her. Thanks Gayle. I hope your pain is gone and you can enjoy the kids from a new perspective.
My pals were all guys. They had gone to high school together (I had actually gone to jr high with some of them). My boyfriend and I met them through his work and we fit right in. Sometimes girlfriends hung out too, but not like me. I was just one of the guys. Which was fine with me. I liked having all of these big brothers/friends. I felt safe.
And in the big world that we live in, which is in fact really small, my life has taken me far away from home and to a new city which I love. Over the years we lost touch and through the magic we call Facebook, I have reconnected with my crew. And I am ever so grateful. But I have missed out on a friend's pain and for that I am saddened.
This morning his mom passed away.
She mostly existed in anecdote. Tales my friend would tell of the woman who made his life better, worse, indifferent. But she loved him and that's more than anyone can ask for. She made my friend and his sister. And they are pretty remarkable people today, from what I can tell - I don't see them anymore and haven't in many years. But I watch their children grow via the internet and I am glad that they have found spouses and made babies. They are successful in their careers and have hopefully found a permanent happiness for a while. Some good years in the life of ups and downs.
So I raise a toast to his Mom and the spark of memory. I would not be who I am today without this friend. And that means that I would not be who I am today without her. Thanks Gayle. I hope your pain is gone and you can enjoy the kids from a new perspective.
Monday, October 15, 2012
a life once lived
I saw an energy healer a few weeks ago, my first time with her (a friend) but not my first Reiki session. As usual, my heart chakra felt like an iron plate was in front of it. I cried for most of the session. Letting loose and unpeeling lifetimes of hurt, not just hurt from this life.
She mentioned to me the images that came to her. That I was surrounded by 5 souls who had promised to always be with me, to help me. They had been disciples of mine - I had been a healer. I had been their teacher. She saw them surrounding me on my death bed in a former life, promising to stay by my side then as I transitioned out of that life and always.
I cried at that.
I had a vision of myself once, not that I had told her, as a healer-priestess in a Greek healing temple. But I assumed that it was just a fantasy, fueled by the books I had been reading at the time since I had been researching for my Bachelor's thesis. Surprise, I wrote about massage as a healing modality throughout medical history. I'd had this epiphany in a college physics class. We were studying electrical circuits and I realized that energy is energy - there is no difference between the scientific energy and the frou-frou energy healing energies. They are but one in the same. To seek the answers without we could easily look within, and vice versa. My readings propelled me into history to find the use of touch and reiki - not just herbs and bloodletting. Sure enough, it was all in there.
Flash forward to today and I am rediscovering these truths in Kabbalah. That which I know from working as a massage therapist, from meditating, from reading Buddhist text and New Age gurus was known by the Kabbalists a thousand years ago or more. I forgot, I guess, that I knew these truths 20 years ago. I forgot that I knew them in my past life. So I rediscover them.
But in this lifetime, I have been so removed from the line that my soul has traveled. And as each step is uncovered on my current path, I am finding that I am retracing a past life. With each matched step I can feel a blast of energy - like a star lighting up in a children's tv show (You did it! You got the right answer!) Ah, but that leads to questions.
Just because I did it in a past life, does that make it a relevant goal in this life? Maybe I need to think about other goals in this life, rather than selfishly propel myself towards a path that I seem to have already walked down. Indeed, how many times have I walked this path? Why do I keep doing it? Am I messing up or is my role in this Universe to be a healer? I am inclined to believe that I have walked the healer path a number of times, that with each iteration I do something better, but that there is something that I need to learn that I haven't learned yet. G-d I hope I learn it this time. I'd like to come back to the next life with a better memory of the past lives, so that its easy to choose the path to teach and heal earlier on. I'd be happy to keep coming back to help others learn. I've never felt that before - indeed, I thought it noble that someone would choose to come again not to learn themselves, but to teach others. (I read Mahayana Buddhist teachings 20 years ago and dismissed it as not for me. I had too much to learn.) But now, I could see it. Indeed, I'm not sure that this life wasn't a choice to do just that - to teach others what I had learned.
So today, I woke up feeling like maybe I was being selfish to go forward with returning to school to become a new kind of healer. Thinking that perhaps my usefulness should be directed elsewhere, more inexpensively. I even posted it on Facebook. And what I got back blew me away. A comment by someone that I spent a brief few days with - someone I met on vacation. And she said to me "My money's on you. You can do it. Whatever it is." A few days with her and she walked away with that. It drops me to my knees that someone I shared a few heartfelt talks and a lot of meals with could walk away thinking this about me. I see obstacles and stumbling blocks. Other people seem to see my bowling those obstacles over. My heart tells me to return to school. That whatever the sacrifice, the tight money, the late hours studying - that my path lies here, as a healer, yet again.
She mentioned to me the images that came to her. That I was surrounded by 5 souls who had promised to always be with me, to help me. They had been disciples of mine - I had been a healer. I had been their teacher. She saw them surrounding me on my death bed in a former life, promising to stay by my side then as I transitioned out of that life and always.
I cried at that.
I had a vision of myself once, not that I had told her, as a healer-priestess in a Greek healing temple. But I assumed that it was just a fantasy, fueled by the books I had been reading at the time since I had been researching for my Bachelor's thesis. Surprise, I wrote about massage as a healing modality throughout medical history. I'd had this epiphany in a college physics class. We were studying electrical circuits and I realized that energy is energy - there is no difference between the scientific energy and the frou-frou energy healing energies. They are but one in the same. To seek the answers without we could easily look within, and vice versa. My readings propelled me into history to find the use of touch and reiki - not just herbs and bloodletting. Sure enough, it was all in there.
Flash forward to today and I am rediscovering these truths in Kabbalah. That which I know from working as a massage therapist, from meditating, from reading Buddhist text and New Age gurus was known by the Kabbalists a thousand years ago or more. I forgot, I guess, that I knew these truths 20 years ago. I forgot that I knew them in my past life. So I rediscover them.
But in this lifetime, I have been so removed from the line that my soul has traveled. And as each step is uncovered on my current path, I am finding that I am retracing a past life. With each matched step I can feel a blast of energy - like a star lighting up in a children's tv show (You did it! You got the right answer!) Ah, but that leads to questions.
Just because I did it in a past life, does that make it a relevant goal in this life? Maybe I need to think about other goals in this life, rather than selfishly propel myself towards a path that I seem to have already walked down. Indeed, how many times have I walked this path? Why do I keep doing it? Am I messing up or is my role in this Universe to be a healer? I am inclined to believe that I have walked the healer path a number of times, that with each iteration I do something better, but that there is something that I need to learn that I haven't learned yet. G-d I hope I learn it this time. I'd like to come back to the next life with a better memory of the past lives, so that its easy to choose the path to teach and heal earlier on. I'd be happy to keep coming back to help others learn. I've never felt that before - indeed, I thought it noble that someone would choose to come again not to learn themselves, but to teach others. (I read Mahayana Buddhist teachings 20 years ago and dismissed it as not for me. I had too much to learn.) But now, I could see it. Indeed, I'm not sure that this life wasn't a choice to do just that - to teach others what I had learned.
So today, I woke up feeling like maybe I was being selfish to go forward with returning to school to become a new kind of healer. Thinking that perhaps my usefulness should be directed elsewhere, more inexpensively. I even posted it on Facebook. And what I got back blew me away. A comment by someone that I spent a brief few days with - someone I met on vacation. And she said to me "My money's on you. You can do it. Whatever it is." A few days with her and she walked away with that. It drops me to my knees that someone I shared a few heartfelt talks and a lot of meals with could walk away thinking this about me. I see obstacles and stumbling blocks. Other people seem to see my bowling those obstacles over. My heart tells me to return to school. That whatever the sacrifice, the tight money, the late hours studying - that my path lies here, as a healer, yet again.
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