I saw an energy healer a few weeks ago, my first time with her (a friend) but not my first Reiki session. As usual, my heart chakra felt like an iron plate was in front of it. I cried for most of the session. Letting loose and unpeeling lifetimes of hurt, not just hurt from this life.
She mentioned to me the images that came to her. That I was surrounded by 5 souls who had promised to always be with me, to help me. They had been disciples of mine - I had been a healer. I had been their teacher. She saw them surrounding me on my death bed in a former life, promising to stay by my side then as I transitioned out of that life and always.
I cried at that.
I had a vision of myself once, not that I had told her, as a healer-priestess in a Greek healing temple. But I assumed that it was just a fantasy, fueled by the books I had been reading at the time since I had been researching for my Bachelor's thesis. Surprise, I wrote about massage as a healing modality throughout medical history. I'd had this epiphany in a college physics class. We were studying electrical circuits and I realized that energy is energy - there is no difference between the scientific energy and the frou-frou energy healing energies. They are but one in the same. To seek the answers without we could easily look within, and vice versa. My readings propelled me into history to find the use of touch and reiki - not just herbs and bloodletting. Sure enough, it was all in there.
Flash forward to today and I am rediscovering these truths in Kabbalah. That which I know from working as a massage therapist, from meditating, from reading Buddhist text and New Age gurus was known by the Kabbalists a thousand years ago or more. I forgot, I guess, that I knew these truths 20 years ago. I forgot that I knew them in my past life. So I rediscover them.
But in this lifetime, I have been so removed from the line that my soul has traveled. And as each step is uncovered on my current path, I am finding that I am retracing a past life. With each matched step I can feel a blast of energy - like a star lighting up in a children's tv show (You did it! You got the right answer!) Ah, but that leads to questions.
Just because I did it in a past life, does that make it a relevant goal in this life? Maybe I need to think about other goals in this life, rather than selfishly propel myself towards a path that I seem to have already walked down. Indeed, how many times have I walked this path? Why do I keep doing it? Am I messing up or is my role in this Universe to be a healer? I am inclined to believe that I have walked the healer path a number of times, that with each iteration I do something better, but that there is something that I need to learn that I haven't learned yet. G-d I hope I learn it this time. I'd like to come back to the next life with a better memory of the past lives, so that its easy to choose the path to teach and heal earlier on. I'd be happy to keep coming back to help others learn. I've never felt that before - indeed, I thought it noble that someone would choose to come again not to learn themselves, but to teach others. (I read Mahayana Buddhist teachings 20 years ago and dismissed it as not for me. I had too much to learn.) But now, I could see it. Indeed, I'm not sure that this life wasn't a choice to do just that - to teach others what I had learned.
So today, I woke up feeling like maybe I was being selfish to go forward with returning to school to become a new kind of healer. Thinking that perhaps my usefulness should be directed elsewhere, more inexpensively. I even posted it on Facebook. And what I got back blew me away. A comment by someone that I spent a brief few days with - someone I met on vacation. And she said to me "My money's on you. You can do it. Whatever it is." A few days with her and she walked away with that. It drops me to my knees that someone I shared a few heartfelt talks and a lot of meals with could walk away thinking this about me. I see obstacles and stumbling blocks. Other people seem to see my bowling those obstacles over. My heart tells me to return to school. That whatever the sacrifice, the tight money, the late hours studying - that my path lies here, as a healer, yet again.
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